Nepal: Listening To And Following Your Heart

Reaching Nepal required huge leaps of faith, immense risk, strong courage, unquestionable faith and most of all, listening to and following your heart.

Ryan and I traveled 16 hours on a train to a ghost town where we needed to immediately find transport to the Indian/Nepal border (Sunali). This, just like many other opportunities is a way to save money, and I will spend hours just to save even a dollar. Ryan doesnt comprehend why I (and other people) go through so much "trouble and headache" to save a dollar. He ended up popping off in the process of looking for transport and I regrettably fired back. Its extremely difficult traveling with someone who doesnt see eye to eye on this, because to him my effort is futile and he gets highly impatient to where he will "Just pay the extra dollar!". But to me, it makes all the difference in how long I can stay because when you are backpacking around India, or anywhere for that matter, every rupee, dollar, euro or whatever counts. Ryan doesnt have this problem. He has a 10 year visa and sold his house, so he has plenty of cash and time to spend those extra dollars. In any case, we found a local bus and upon boarding, things were already blown over and we bought some ice cream. That cooled everything down, both literally and metaphorically.

Sunali was definately a town not to spend a night in. In this border town, the energy is highly aggressive (even for Indias standards) and all the shops were broken down and grimey. Walking down the busy noisy street a lady in her later years, comes up to me smiling and wiggling her head. So I naturally start smiling and wiggling back when I see her pointing to my arm. My tattooed arm. She smiles after saying,
"Ganesha!" putting her hands at her heart center.
"Yes!..and Hanuman...Krisha...Shiva...!"
As I show her the rest of my arm and she shouts out of disbelief turning to her friend. She grabs my arm and thinks it is powder for she tries to brush it away.
I explain to her, "No No..Tattoo, tattoo!!"
Her eyes widen and a even bigger smile goes on her face as she pulls out a large thermos and offers me some chai. Ofcourse I glady accept, and then she vanishes in the cluster of people and rickshaws. Upon sipping this hot sweet cup of love, some foreigners from Australia come up to us and ask,
"Are you guys going to Nepal?..."
"Yeah...We have no intention on staying here AHAH"
"Do you know what is going on there?"
"No....What?..."
"Well I think we should warn you that they are protesting because we think of some election thats coming up, and have been the past 2 weeks making it nearly impossible to travel there or around there.."
"What?!?! What do you mean?"
"Well, we all just spent 4 hours trying to get through 4 kilometers of picket lines where the people were bashing the rickshaw with objects and screaming at us, just to get to the border...We passed by some buses that had been set on fire, had the tires slashed and the windows bashed in..."
"...Well, what is your advice?"
"Turn around...Turn around, unless you want to go through all that. Expect to pay for overly priced transportation that might not even make it to where you want to go...A bus from Kathmandu to here cost rs 1500, where it shouldve normally cost about 400. We did not even have a seat for the whole 9 hour trip, we had to stand in the aisle!"
"Wow that sucks...Thank you for the warning, BUT, I didnt come this far just to turn around now--"
"But Cody, I think we better-"
"Do what you want Ryan, I dont want to hold you back from anything you want or dont want to do on this trip, just as I dont want to be held back"
"Yeah but Cody..Buses were set on fire...Set on fire bro.."
"God has been with me every step of my journey. There is no doubt God will be absent during these times, I know, I KNOW we will be ok, all you have to do, is BELIEVE in this. This is a leap of faith my brother, jump."
"But what if God is asleep dude?...How do you KNOW we will be safe man.."
"I cannot explain it, call it intuition, bravery or even stupidity if you will...This next statement will sound totally idiotic but you cannot let your intellect get in the way of your heart. This trip has taught me an invaluable tool, to listen and follow your heart. Dont let fear of the mind cloud the passion of the heart."
"But what if we DO get placed in a situation like those people on the bus?"
"The only thing we can do, deal with it when it comes. If lives are put into serious danger there will be alot of injured protesters. I have no problem breaking my vow of non-violence, I think there can be exceptions...We cannot let fear block us from our ambitions bro, thank you very kindly you three for your advice, but im not turning around..Look are you in or not?...I have to atleast cross the border to get my visa stamped my 6 months are almost up, you can decide then if you want to leave or not, but Im going."
"Ok..."
We walk up to the border, change indian rupees to nepalese rupees, get us dollars for the 2 week visas, walk across the border to the immigration office where we fill out some paperwork, hand over our passport and a photo, and presto! In ten minutes I got another stamp and visa record in my passport. We then get a cycle rickshaw to the closest nearby town, which was 4 kilometers away. We were expecting to pay millions of rupees for this short journey but it was fairly priced. We get in the rickshaw and arm ourselves for battle..So there we were on the rickshaw, jaws and fits clenched expecting at any minute to see this angry mob of picketers running at the rickshaw, but we didnt see any. We didnt see one picket sign the whole 4 kilometer trip, not even left over rubbish from old protests, nothing. We get to town and goto the first guest house we see and had one thing on our mind, food. When you travel anywhere in India, you tend to not eat too much on these long exhausting journeys, and if you do its not the healthiest choice of foods..Walking into this guest house we were greeted by the manager. He was a short Nepalese man, walked with a crutch, and was a hoot to say the least. Im pretty sure he was hammered every second I saw him, no matter what time of day or night. However it is completely plausible that his speech was naturally slurred and his eyes were naturally glossy and bloodshot. During dinner he kept talking about 1 thing. Pop music. He would also sing his favorite tunes, which were mostly cheesy Brian Adams songs. Those were his favorites and we enjoyed hearing him sing these songs, he had no singing talent whatsoever but he sang from his heart, that is all that mattered. Leaving the cheesy pop music aside, he told us he might have a bus leaving tomorrow morning going around the protests via the "mountain way" and was only a few hundred more than it should cost. He told us to come for breakfast early in the morning and he will know what time the bus leaves.

The following morning, we woke up and was down for breakfast at the time our short Nepalese pop singer instructed and sure enough there was a bus leaving in less than an a hour. We devoured our food in fast heaping spoon fulls, paid for the tickets and packed our bags in less than our 30 minute deadline. We got the first row seats which was a heaven sent blessing. These seats give you just a few more inches of leg room but those few inches makes ALL the difference in the world in terms of your comfort and sanity. It also helps to not have your head hit the roof on the crazy bumpy rides. Seriously. The Nepalese are like on a average 2 feet shorter than the American average, so you constantly have to duck quite a bit in buses or through hallways to not bump your head making you feel freakishly tall. Soon after boarding a younger tall, tan man, with brown hair came at sat in the asile across from us. He was from France and came to be the laughing highlight of the crazy bus extravaganza.

About 4 hours into the ride, our bus decides to break down. I think it was because of the mind blowing multitude of people squeezed in every nook and cranny in that bus, seriously. I remember very clearly reading a story when I first got to India about how a bus ended up skidding off a mountain cliff, and the headline in the newspaper was "68 people killed in a bus driving off cliff" and I thought that couldnt have been just ONE bus, the newspaper must have made a typo, it must have been THREE buses!!! BUT now after experiencing it, yes it is infact one bus. People were on the roof, yes on the roof, and crammed in the asiles and wherever there would be room. So back to the bus breaking down, I thought we just stopped to pick more people up and I bolt out the door to empty my bladder, thinking I have only a matter of seconds for this plan of mine to work. So in a hurried mess, I run down the nearby hill, and in the process, I slip. My feet go out from under me and I get completely airborne landing on my butt and skidding ALL the way down the hill. Laughter from the people above, roar hysterically and continue to be just as predominant when I returned to the bus. Ever since we stopped the frenchman didnt stop poking his head around what was going on. The conductor working on the bus engine was doing his best to fix the situation while at the same time drowning out the frenchmans constant demands,
"Your bus is dead...Give me half of my money back!! I will get a new bus, I dont have time to wait around!!"
The conductor ignored him the first 15 times until he finally snapped with,
"Just wait! Give me 5 minutes!"
This only stopped how OFTEN the frenchman demanded his refund. My spirits and hopes lowered with each demand. He kept checking every 5 seconds on either his bag or the status on the engine and was hilarious to see him go back and forth so neurotically. Anyone that came within a 2 inch radius of his bag was stared at intensively and if someone even made the slightest contact with it they were pushed off his bag and yelled at. Ryan and I were just sitting in our seat getting the front row view of all of this and it was great fun to laugh about. Just like the conductor said, 5 minutes later the bus roared up and everyone started piling in. The frenchman lost his spacious comfortable front row seat and ended up having to sit on the roof of the bus with the locals without a view of his precious luggage. He was none to pleased.

Shortly after we stopped for food and went to the restaurant to grab a quick thali and the frenchman ends up sitting across from me. We get served our food and after I say my prayers, I open my eyes and see him starting to eat his food, but some of it is moving...There was a bug in his food...This guy has had EVERYTHING go wrong for him this trip it seems and he doesnt see it. Should I tell him or let him be? Well, Id like to know if I didnt see it to atleast pull the bug out to not kill it, so I said,
"You...Have a bug in your food..."
"What where?....(Then after seeing it for himself he muttered some angry words in french, pushing his plate forward and storming out of the restaurant"
This thali goes down in my record book as the most exspensive and worst tasting thali Ive ever had. I had a hunger that could knock out a deer so I cleared my plate and actually got seconds and still was grateful for every gagging bite. I look up and see the frenchman eating some corn that locals cook up on coals on the side of the street. He was mowing through this corn like it was nobodies business. Poor guy, the first edible food he ate all day. Seeing his enthusiasm eating this corn, influenced Ryan and I to get a piece each. Our pieces must have been from someone different from who he bought from. Our corn was hard and tasted like cardboard. Then again, this is the frenchman, im sure it wasnt any different. From the side of us, came the sound of puppies screaming out in torture. And to my amazement was a wee bit shy of torture. There was two puppies locked in a cage that made the cages in pet stores back home seem like malibu penthouses. These poor animals had no room to even turn around to see what is behind them. This dilapidated structure was no larger than 2x2 feet with a chicken wire screen on the front and floor which their feet would constantly fall through because it was broken. All of this was locked in place by one piece of wood no larger than my middle finger. All I had to do was pull that piece of wood out and maybe, these puppies would make a run for it and escape from such abusive tyranny. Maybe. They were miserable and I totally sensed their pain and it made my heartache with each wimper and cry. These people didnt see anything wrong with their cage or even bashing at it when the dogs wimpered. This situation made me think of the movie Powder. At one scenes Powder encounters people that just shot a deer and he touches the deer which is on the break of dying and is able to see the pain the animal is going through. He then reaches for the hunters hand and transmits the pain of the animal to the person to see what the deer feels. I wish I could transmit that energy to these people like Powder did, make them experience what those poor dogs were feeling. Imagine if everyone had that ability, how much more different the world we live in would be. Crazy isnt it...

Time to get back on the bus and several hours later, we made it to Kathmandu. Nepal is similar to India, yet it seems alot cleaner, in certain ways and not in others. The roads were devoid of litter but there was a thick amount of dust in the air because Nepal hasnt had any rain in several months. The people are more friendly and far less aggressive. The toilets however are rank, for the most part that Ive seen, each one has been absolutely putrid, and this is comparing to Indian toilets...

After getting off the bus we get a taxi to our place which is a guest house essentially on monastery grounds where we were told we would be able to participate in meditations in monastery. The closest a layperson can get to the buddhist monastery experience without being ordained or enrolling in a course, so we were stoked. Driving there everything on and off the street is lit by candles and its only 7 pm. Nepal has electricity on only for certain hours of the day/night. Maybe a total of 4 hours a day and sometimes is different day to day. On the taxi ride we pass poor street vendors, almost piled ontop of each other outside of huge mall complexes like of what I would see back home. The taxi couldnt get through some of the mazelike alleys so we had to walk through a dark maze to arrive at the guest house. I could tell when we were at the guest house for I was able to make out that we were passing through buddhist monastery corridors. Rooms with giant prayer wheels, buddhist stupas lining the walkway, and the huge monastery, were all sights to feast our eyes on as we make it up to the reception office. We get shown our room and it is the nicest and cleanest room I have stayed in my whole trip. What a blessing. We sat down our stuff and headed straight to the restaurant where short Nepalese men cook up a vegetarian storm! The food was outrageously expensive but was worth every rupee. First time Ive seen tofu and a daily special list that reminds me of what I would see back home at Follow Your Heart. They had a lengthy choice to select from ranging from stirfrys, FRESH salads, soups, wraps, and desserts (optional vegan cakes!!!!) After a tasty expensive meal it was time to crash. Lying in bed, we start talking about the frenchman and start laughing hysterically which turned into uncontrollable laughter that makes your stomach and cheeks ache.
"I cant believe we got here man...I thought the protests were gonna get in the way, but thank God they didnt"
"Yeah..I thought the frenchman was right when he said "your bus is dead""
"YEAH ME TOO! Like he was a mechanic or something because he spoke with such undeniable certainty!"
"Wouldnt it be funny if the conductor gave him his refund when he wanted and then 10 minutes later we pass him in our bus?! AHAHA I could see the conductor flipping him off as we drove by! AHAHAH"
"AHAHAH Yeah I could see that...Its even better that he lost his seat and had to sit up on the roof..."
"AHAHA The frenchman..."
"AHAHAHA, What a charecter!"
"You know when we stopped for lunch?"
"Yeah"
"There was a bug in the frenchmans food"
"On the corn?"
"No in his Thali...HAHAHA..That corn..He mowed through that corn bro, I dont think he had enough time to even see if there was a bug on there..God that corn was inedible!"
"HAHAHA!!! I know! That corn was horrible...What did he do about his Thali?"
"AHAHAHA He pushed forward his plate, AHAHA, muttered something in french and stormed out ahaha!!"
"HAHA! Makes sense then why he was devouring that corn..Did you hear about him getting bit by a dog in Varanasi?!"
"AHAHA NO!!!"
"YEAH! He was like "I have to get another rabies shot in a few days because a dog bit me in Varanasi"..AHAHA"
"The FRENCHMAN! Poor guy, has anything gone right for him on his trip? AHAH"
"Doesnt sound like it. That guy travelled 3 days from Varanasi, barely sleeping eating or showering to get to Nepal"
"Yeah he had to stay in Sunali!"
"Ahahaha!! In that border ghost town?!"
"Yeah he said he couldnt sleep because of how gross and uncomfortable that place was"
"AHAHA The frenchman.."

For a day where I didnt really do anything physically, I was exhausted. A day spent traveling takes its toll on you. Going to sleep on the last note of uncontrollable laughter made for a very, very pleasant rest.

The next morning we head down for our breakfast that is included in the room tariff. The outside sitting area is gorgeous. You are surrounded by beautiful pink and white flowers, green grass and trees. Everything is beautifully maintained by monks throughout the day making sure everything is beautiful and clean. Sitting outside in this magnificent garden I get porridge and chai, same everyday. Warm food and drinks in early cold mornings make me smile. Then we went to check out the town. Where we were staying was all centered around one particular site. The largest buddhist Stupa in Nepal and one of the largest in the world. A stupa is a moundlike structure that are thought of to be places of worship, where even sometimes ashes of a buddha are beneath the stupa. When walking around the Stupa you have to walk with your right arm to the Stupa, so in a clockwise direction. Along the walls of the stupa are prayer wheels, which are meant to be spun while walking around the stupa. You dont have to while you walk around, but I liked to. Around this circle were many restuarants, about 50 hidden monasteries spread out in the mix, MANY shops selling art, trinkets, souvenirs, and clothes. At night time Tibetans would set up tables with prayer candles to keep lit throughout the night and seeing the large stupa at sunset lighting these candles was one of highlights of being so close to the action. Everyone from around the town comes also for this time to make their rounds around the stupa spinning the wheels. Its a quite a beautiful site to join and be apart of.

One of the days we were staying there we were fortunate enough to catch a tibetan dance ceremony going on in the monastery. Upon walking to the monastery we hear it has already begun. Deep drums beat in slow, deep, loud resonance as we inch our way closer and closer to the monastery. We were only allowed to watch from the outside entrance where there was already enough people to fill the whole monastery! In the corridor, monks dressed in intracitly sewn robes, of blue, gold, red and white dance slowly, performing each movement with complete awareness, moved around a complete circle covering the whole inside of the monastery over and over again. In one hand they hold a object I couldnt make out and in the other they hold colorful strips of cloth. At times they would jump and twirl but each and every movement was always with complete unbroken awareness. Young monks below the ages of 10 in maroon robes sit patiently and observe. Inside the monastery it is beautifully decorated with Thangkas (rolled paintings), tibetan cloth decorations dangling from the ceiling, prayer flags, pictures of the Dalai Lama, and my favorite fresh cut flowers on altars of the 3 GIANT gold buddha statues in the back. They had to be atleast 30 feet tall. What a sight to see!

One day we headed to a nearby famous temple called the Pashupatinath Temple. This temple was built around 7th century and is standing strong and still massively beautiful. This temple is closed to non-hindus but foreigners are allowed to take pictures of the entrance gate and watch the cremations on the ghats (steps). This is the only temple in Nepal that has open cremations for people to watch if they choose to, so it is quite a big deal, not to even mention its extreme holiness. We end up walking the few kilometers and came to what we thought was a back way, a secret way in, but it lead around to the front entrance. Upon looking at the front entrance and taking pictures, Ryan gets dooped by "someone who works for the temple" and we go buy a ticket in which I believe was fake and this "worker" proceeded to be our guide, all of which was never asked of him and knew we would have to pay for it. He ended up leaving after he realized that we were ignoring him and his facts about the temple. Ofcourse he asked for money for his time that wasnt asked of him, so I gave him 100 rs and got him out of our face. Hes atleast trying to earn money, not just begging for it. Immediately I call him back and Ryan nudges me and says,
"Dude, what are you doing?"
"Getting my moneys worth"
And how did I! I milked as much information from this guy as I could.
He then takes us across to the river and sets us down across from the cremation sites. There are 7 cremation sites that go in order of caste or importance as to who gets cremated there.
"You are very lucky today. Many dead people. Tourists come to see the cremations and sometimes no body dies, so no cremation!"
The cremation sites are moving in number from the closest to the temple (#1) and move away increasing in number. At site #1, we have the spiritual cremations. Highly advanced and spiritually developed people and priests ONLY get burned there. At site #2 was political, military or rich people who can afford to pay to be cremated there. 3 to 7 move in order of different caste/social/financial differences. Down by the river, next to the temple and ghat #1 is the hospice. A building for the ones essentially waiting to die. Literally. They are extremely ill or old just waiting to die so they can be cremated here and have their ashes put in the holy river. When they feel their departure from this world is approaching, they hustle their way down to the river so that they literally die, while having some body part in contact with the sacred waters.
"I can take you in to see the those people if you want."
"Thank you...But thats okay..."
As we were talking we see that down by the water they are preparing a fresh dead body for cremation. They cremate fresh dead bodies (within 2 or 3 hours of time of death) to keep the stench down, and they believe if they wait to long the Atman (soul) would leave the body and they wouldnt be able to guide it into a proper next life as a result. Ive seen many dead bodies in movies, read about them in books, even seen them in a morgue by a court order, but something about seeing this was more impactful than all combined. The corpse was lying down and covered with an orange cloth as people took off the cadavers last chosen attire, showing as little of the body as possible. When all the clothes were removed they placed the body on a bamboo mat with bamboo sticks supporting the body and two sticks on the sides for what we would call in the west the "paul bearers". Only the immediate family would carry the body to the cremation area. No one else. Big thick wooden blocks are stacked in 3's, criss crossing each other, for a total of 3 layers of wooden blocks. The top layer had a groove for the body to lay. After the family places the body on the wood, everyone stands to the side while the priest and the oldest son walk along the body muttering prayers with fire lit torches in their hands. Here is where they put various objects into the mouth. Gold, sandalwood, and holy water are meant to purify the mouth for the next life; to be honest and not tell lies in the next life. The son then lights the body through the mouth, once again to purify for the next life and instantly, the whole body is consumed and within a matter of seconds the thick white smoke turns a deep yellow. The smell of burnt flesh fills the air. Not to be a bit morbid, but it smelled quite similar to a bbq, but not quite... The son and the priest then keep putting different objects in the fire. Sandalwood, sugar, ghee, holy water, incense, and flowers and the prayers continue. It takes about 4 hours to fully cremate the body and they go on at any time, just whenever someone dies at the hospice or in the river. Some bodies even get flown from India and rarely other countries as well.

The family that was sitting on the side are now a roaring mess and foreigners with huge expensive cameras try capturing their misery in a photo. This disgusts me, I see this all over the place. Westerns get in there personal space, completely devoid of respect, all in the name of a good photo. I wanted to take their camera and break it.
"This is good photo spot, you can take photo here."
"No, no...Thats okay..."
"Its ok, take picture!"
"No...Its..not right..."
I look back at the site and the son is getting all of his hair shaved off on the ghats down to the river, and no matter how many times I asked, I couldnt get a straight answer as to the meaning and why. But after the cremation the son goes to a place in the temple to where he has to stay for 13 days to mourn who died. Here he eats one meal a day (very light) and spends the rest of the time mourning and in communion with God. If there is not an oldest son, goes to the oldest child if it is a deceased parent, and if there are no children it goes to the spouse. These people believe it is extremely holy to be cremated here for it helps their next life placement of rebirth and helps relieve yourself from the cycle of samsara (endless suffering). The ashes on the ground after the cremation are then dumped in the streaming river, which leads to Varanasi, India. The most polluted river probably in the world. In Varanasi there is a cremation site as well. Its crazy, a chemist tested the water in Varanasi and found like over 10 parasites and an extreme amount of bacteria yet, the immense faith and devotion the Hindus have blocks them from disease. Even when they bathe, sometimes drink, and do their morning pujas in the sceptic waters, alot of the time they are not affected due to this immense faith and devotion. Crazy!

Not everyone is fortunate enough to be cremated here. Lepers, pregnant women and young children cannot be. Depending on what family member died, certain year long abstentions are followed. The only 2 I remembered was meat and alcohol. Another interesting fact is that during monsoon season, they have to preserve the body til the season is over because the river turns into a roaring rapid at that time, making it impossible for cremations.

At this time I started getting affected, both physically and mentally. I imagined what it would be like to cremate my loved ones and started to feel emotionally not well. For a brief moment, I placed mself in my minds eye being in the sons position burning my mother or father. The amount of courage and strength this son has is truly inspiring. It was all done with such respect, love, care, and beauty. In our western culture, death is looked upon as something negative and sometimes looked at an event that many people are even in denial about. Some people dont or are not aware of the universal fact that one day, we all will die. This is no way being pessimistic, it is being honest and real with your mortality as a human being and until you confront, understand, and accept this fact, you cannot fully experience the fruits of life. Now the mental unwellness, turned physical. I have been inhaling burning human flesh for the past hour, so our guide took us to see the place where the mourning happens for those 13 days. After we walked back passing by the cremations only a few feet away with its black, yellow, and white smoke gusting our way. My bandana over my mouth wasnt doing any justice and felt my chest caving in with each inhale, even when I held my breath. The last image I saw before going up the stairs to leave was a human foot sticking out the side. I'll never forget that experience and sight, for it actually hit me, both the outrageous stench and the image of real raw death right in my face, that I will die one day, just like this person. We left shortly after.

I spent the rest of the day in an altered state of mind. Confronting your own mortality so full on was an intense experience to say the least. I could still smell the burnt human flesh on my clothes and in my nose the whole rest of the day. Not to sound even more morbid, I really started thinking about death. Not suicide, but my own mortality. If we truly look at how the human body works, we are a walking miracle are we not? However, we are also so extremely fragile. All it takes is for a major artery to pop and you have a stroke. This can happen at any moment, you are utterly helpless to this, and once you come to terms with this universal truth, you begin to really enjoy the fruits of life for you truly realize how precious each second is. Why do you think people who have near death experiences come out the other side completely different?

Leaving Kathmandu was hard. This was a great little buddhist area that I have grown to love. But it was killing my budget. Same with Ryan. I can never keep this imaginary thing called a budget, so maybe I should stop having one?...We took an early morning bus to Pokhara, the other main attraction of Nepal. On the bus I sat next to a beautiful Finnish tattooed girl with matted dreadlocks, a face full metal named Heidi. We immediately hit it off and talked most of the bus ride. About 4 hours into the ride our bus stops on the side of a cliff. In fact, I see almost a hundred (no joke) buses stopped. It was the protest. A few kilometers away, protesters set up rocks and parked cars blocking the main intersection. Their intention was to have people leave their bus, and go across to the other side and catch an empty one for bus drivers to earn more money. We stayed put. I spent the time talking to the Finnish knockout which helped distract me enough to where I wasnt getting furious at why I was put in this situation. We were told many things. We might have to sleep overnight in our bus for more than one night, or that it will be open tonight 10 hours away, or even this afternoon it will be open. We didnt know what to believe, but like I said, we stayed put. After many promises of time deadlines to get out of this crunch, we ended up starting to inch our way to freedom. Our bus driver was on top of things. He had no intention of turning around to possibly get more money, he wanted to get through this with all of his passengers he originally had on the bus. Heidi asks me if I have any pot or drugs to help her sleep, I obviously didnt so she found some from someone else and passed out. We were talking about possibly traveling together because we wanted to see the same things in pretty much the same order but I couldnt help the fact that after this incident, I completely lost interest. My sobriety is numero uno in my life and cannot be around people that jeopardize it, I cant. 7 hours late, we finally get to our destination. Getting ready to get off the bus she wanted to know my plan. I told her I was going to take a buddhist course and that I didnt have a plan. Which was the truth, but I held back that I really wanted to be with her but knew it wouldnt be good for me. So I told her its been a pleasure and left with my head held low. How I miss the warmth of a woman...

Immediately upon pulling into the bus station, hotel sharks see the fresh fish and start planning their attack. With these suffocating parasites, I tend to be such a wise guy with them telling them "I sleep at the station" or "I dont need a room because I dont sleep" and the last one was "I want a room with a fountain". Everyone shut up except for one guy saying
"I have, I have SIR!"
"Oh yeah? In the room?!"
"Yes, ofcourse SIR! Come, free taxi"
"AHAHA, I like you, how much for your rooms?"
"Come and see, free taxi"
The rooms were dirt cheap with a beautiful view of the massive lake in Pokhara. There was no fountain in the room, but his sense of humor and good spirit lead us to a warm family owned guest house and made it worth it, despite the lack of my imaginary fountain.

The next day we went to check out a beginners buddhist course that we were recommended from the place we stayed in Kathmandu. It was a bit pricey for the broken down "simple accommodation" so I asked If I could talk to the teacher and get alittle rundown on the course. A short older man in his early sixities come up and talks to Ryan and I giving us alittle breakdown of the course. His name is Yeshe and he knows his what he was talking about and presented it crystal clear, selling me on the course. Plus, no communication barrier because for he is from the states so I can ask a million questions I have burning inside. I have to admit, initially I was hesitant about taking the course for beginners, but its beneficial to go back to basics from time to time. A famous saying in Zen buddhism is to keep a beginners mind because a beginner to something is never arrogant thinking he knows it all missing the full essence of the lesson. A beginner is hungry and absorbent of the information, his mind is a clean slate eagerly waiting to be filled. The course was with only 4 other people, the week before there was 12, so I felt blessed for the teacher could concentrate on each indivdual more. The schedule was pretty much discussions and meditations starting from 6am to 8pm with breaks for food. I volunteered to be the offical bell ringer to make sure everyone is on time to meditation and discussion. I highly enjoyed this. The gompa (meditation room) was on the top floor, overlooking Pokara. Great views for the days that were somewhat clear. Our first night at the course was full of roaring thunder and flashing bursts of lighting in the sky which also flashed brightly in our dim candle lit room giving an great errie feel. I love, love, love the rain and the more violent the storm the bigger my smile. I slept well that night listening to sound of rain. Each night however I played the guessing game, wondering what kind of critter that is crawling on me...Ive never had so many uninvited guests in my bed before...The next day you could see mountains you didnt even knew existed because of all the dust blocking your view of them was now gone thanks to the storm. What a view Pokhara has, WOW! Some of the highest mountain ranges and peaks in the world were in perfect view around the course grounds.

So the discussions were basically indepth explanations about the basics and fundamental principles of buddhism. The teacher was a very smart man who explained everything in great and complete detail. He also added his own spice of humor which is always a plus. Ive heard and read these principles many many times and never had it explained so well and so clear. Sometimes he would explain too much where we would have to bring him back to what he was talking about. One of the things I loved the most was that he challenged us to think for ourselves. Completely different than teachers in school who wanted you to regurgitate info. He placed alot of importance on not just accepting information because someone says it to be true, find out for yourself and only then accept it to be true. Exactly like a scientist mixing two chemicals. Someone could tell him that mixing A and B will give him C, but until he sees this for himself, that A and B togehter does infact make C, he accepts it to be true at that moment. Yeshe gave us a few questions to think about each night which was probably my favorite part of the course. I love thinking on philosophical questions very scrupulously for hours on end, even when I think Ill pull my hair out from what feels like running around and around in circles. Ive also desired this exact situation of being able to get into discussions with a buddhist teacher for years, so I took the discourses and questions very sincerely. I stayed long in the gompa after everyone went to bed contemplating these questions by a dim candlelight. You couldve heard a mouse fart from 3 miles away in that room with no one in there at midnight, amazing. When I reported my answers to him the following day, just like a good teacher made me look at things from a perspective wasnt even close to heading towards. He saw how much of a genuine interest I took in the course and was willing to spend the extra time answering my millions of questions.

Our meditation teacher was a distracton for the guys in the class..A tall, slim nun from England with pale skin covered with freckles, and long jet black hair that made my heart melt was who was supposed to be guiding me into concentration, not distracting me from concentration! :) Apart from being drop dead gorgeous, she had the most sensual and sexiest voices Ive ever heard. Perfect for a meditation teacher, and my future wife. :) At the end of the course we were asked if we would change anything about the course and I put "more meditation". Not because of the english bombshell, but because of what I got out of each one.

During one of our last discussions Yeshe looks at me and says,
"Cody you have a caterpillar crawling on your left ear"
Someone from the class gets up and picks it off my neck and puts it outside. Yep it certainly was a caterpillar one inch long, black with spots of orange and quite beautiful...but dangerous...
30 minutes later, I felt something else crawling on my neck again so I swat down yet another caterpillar. (I know for a fact this came from my bed because all night I felt different "things" crawling on me...)
I start laughing and Yeshs goes,
"another one?!"
"....Yes (laughing)"
I try picking it up to take it outside and he says
"Be careful, some people break out in a rash from those things.."
And guess what?... Ofcourse I did. Ryans daily struggle travelling abroad is allergies and stomach issues, mine is insects and itchy rashes, not to even mention my body falling apart. My toe nail fell off on my left foot and im positive I fractured a bone in my right foot for minor pain still lingers long after the cut is healed..It doesnt hurt to walk, but pressure hurts and there is a large bump on my foot now. The bright side about my toe is that atleast it will get rid of my painful in grown toenail Ive had my whole life. So I got a nasty rash on my neck that spread down to my stomach right above a very...sensitive region..of red and purple WELTS and instantly I am brought back to the feeling in Kerala...I want to rip my skin off again...I bought a bunch of stuff to help it at a local pharmacy but I think it irritated the situation...That night I watched the sun rise once again...

The last day was sad to come, naturally but I still wasnt empty of questions so I asked Yeshe a few more. I kept asking him where I can get more deeply involved and he really didnt tell me anything I didnt already know or am not already doing or have done. Ive started to plan my last month in India doing my own personal silent retreat which he thought very highly of and thought to be very beneficial giving me hints and advice to ensure I get the most benefiet out of it. After finishing the rest of my questions, I got up, sincerely thanked him for his efforts and wisdom and shook his hand. While shaking my hand, he looked me in the eye and said with utmost compassion,
"I hope to see you again Cody"
"Yeah me too. Thank you Yeshe."
I left shortly after.

Ryan and I wanted to goto the birthplace of the Buddha, a town called Lumbini after the course, but my rash was so unbearable and his stomach was messed up so we decided to get to India where we can take it easy for a few days and are not cruntched on a visa deadline.

So to conclude, listening and following my heart is something that keeps growing in me with each and every day. I cannot express my undying gratitude to God for cultivating this insight within me for I try to not even waste a second of my days, not being connected with this insight because it never leads me astray. I want to leave you all with something to ponder on and play with. This is one of my favorite meditations to do and we actually did this exact meditation at the course. I strongly encourage you all to take 5 minutes out of your busy lives to just try this. Please do it for me.

First off get comfortable, this wont work as it should if you are uncomfortable. Once you are in a seated position, concentrate on your natural breathing. In and out, in and out, time and time again, just be natural dont force the breath to be certain way just as it is, be aware of it. Dont make this too complicated than it should be, just breathe, naturally and fully aware of each breath. Each time you get distracted by a thought, a noise, a smell, or whatever, just notice that you got distracted and go back to watching the natural process of the breath arising and passing away. After a few minutes now focus your awareness to imagine in your minds eye, someone you want to be happy or love, either a friend or family member. Notice the feelings that arise just from the sight or thought of this person. Dont judge any emotion that comes up, just be aware of what arises. Then after a few minutes, ask yourself, why is this person my friend? Why do I like this person? Look at your answer, you might surprise yourself, but once again dont judge yourself for your answer, just be aware of your response. Next, think of an enemy, or someone you dont like or get along with. Notice the feelings that naturally arise from the thought of this person and after a few minutes, honestly look at why you do not like this person. Dont judge your feelings or answer, just be aware of what arose. Next, try to imagine a complete stranger. Someone you dont even know and look at what comes up, if anything. For most people nothing arises. This person is completely neutral and look at why you feel this way. The closing part of the meditation is to generate the motivation to spread unconditional love and compassion to EVERYONE and to stop dividing people into these groups depending on what they do, or dont do for us. Imagine what the world would be like, if everyone was able to have unconditional compassion and love for everyone, friends, enemies and strangers. What a wonderful world we would live in.

Thank you if you took the time out of your day to try that little exercise.

I love you all.
Be Happy!

Dharamsala: Seeing The Dalai Lama

The train ride up to Delhi from Kerala was 49 hours, straight and really wasnt as devistating as it may sound. I feel a great contributor to this was that I had Ryan, a friend with me to keep me company on the ride. What also added to the expierience, both good and bad, was next to us on the train was a family of, a mother, her 4 year old daughter, her 6 year old boy, her two brothers, and her mother. The children made the ride a real test of patience. The 6 year old boy turned the train berths into a elementary jungle gym. When he wasnt monkeying around over EVERYONE's berths, he would torment his sister doing whatever he could to make her cry, no matter what time of the day or night. This little girl never seemed to stop crying and was the biggest test of my patience. And what crying it was!! It was the kind of blood currtling balling your eyes out you would think it was produced from a megaphone two inches from your ears it was so loud. Out of the two mornings I spent on the train, the whole train was woken up by her wailing at a staggering 4:30 in the morning and it would continue all throughout the day and into the night, stopping for short unexpected intervals. Ive never appreciated silence as much as those few and precious moments. Both the mother and grandmother looked warn out, the look on their face was a expression of defeat, for it seemed they have given up on their childrens crazy antics. It seemed like the kids has drained them of all their vitality, but that didnt stop them from making small talk with Ryan and I, and whenever they looked at us would shower us with their smiles.

The whole ride did not turn out to be so unpleasant. When I was in Kerala, about a week before we left I bought a giant papaya, that needed a few days to rippen, hoping to eat it long before the train ride. When it came time to leave it still wasnt ripe and I didnt want to leave it, I really really wanted this papaya, so I carried this giant fruit craddling it wherever I went hoping it would rippen faster in the fresh sunlight. It was starting to get ripe on the second day of the train ride and the grandmother looks at me and motions at my papaya with a cutting motion of her hands.
"She wants your papaya" says the mother
"So do I...Ive been caring for this papaya for almost 10 days and it still isnt ripe"
"Yes, good to eat now, she wants to cut it for you...And ofcourse she wants to have some herself"
Grandma nodds, smiles and puts out her hand for the papaya
Knowing that the papaya wasnt ripe enough yet, I grab the papaya and hand it over...It wasnt completely ripe, parts were still quite hard but their family mingled with Ryan and I as we all shared this fruit, and for the briefest of moments, I felt like a part of their family sitting on the train, getting fed and conversing with this indian family. I love the compassionate hospitality indians give me expecting nothing in return. Straight from the heart.

So arriving in Delhi once again...Eh...Delhi...Ryan and I wanted to rest for a day or two at most before heading up to Dharamsala. We were in no rush either because we thought we had to register to see the Dalai Lama speak, but when I called to confirm if this was true, they said it was not, because it was only a few hour speech sp there is no need to register. So we had more than a few days in Delhi, if we wanted.

We saw that there was a peace conference at a hotel in Delhi for a few days while we were in Delhi so we went to get more info on it. The Dalai Lama was advertised to be speaking at it along with many other extremely powerful and intelligent figures. We walk up to a 5 * hotel with valet parking, and more attendants waiting at the entrance to serve us than I could count. After the massive security check we go inside and try to find the registration booth. Its up stairs and with each step I am blown away at how nice this hotel is...I thought to myself,
"This is going to be exspensive"
We find the registration desk and after seeing only people in suits, the person at the desk looks up, gives us a up and down glance and continues to her paperwork...
"Where do we goto register for the event?"
".......(after a long pause) Here"
"Ok how much is it?"
"75 thousand...Rupees"
"Oh...Ok thank you."
After we figure out just how much that event cost we start laughing at what she must have been thinking. That event cost about $1500. We both walk in with dirty clothes looking like we just got hit by a bus and ask to register for a $1500 event...No wonder once she saw us she didnt give us any attention. This was quite the comical expierience but I think you had to be there to get the full picture.


The other few days we were in Delhi we just took it easy, which is a difficult thing to do in Delhi but very needed. I ended up meeting with my friend I met from Rishikesh, Martyn for his last day in India and continued the good times with good food for after he had to catch his flight back to Holland. Ryan and I ended up seeing another bollywood movie, it was supposed to be a comedy but it left us feeling shorthanded. Indians have what foreigners would call a weird sense of humor. Some of it strikes me as funny, but the majority is really immature and not. Still quite a treat to watch a bollywood movie in Hindi, in a theatre more comfortable than what you are used to, and with a big bowl of popcorn infront of you.

Some things in Delhi were not as planned. Im walking through the crazy bazaar of Pahar Ganj and I see a hand extended out infront me, I look up and it is Mr. Jung Singh.
"Hello, I remember you"
I start laughing,
"I remember you too, even though I am--"
"Alittle insane...Yes..Please come talk with me and have a chai, just talk, please come"
I look into his eyes and there is not a trace of ill will in this mans eyes, just love so I agree.
I turn to Ryan,
"Dude I have to do this, remember the story with the guy who told me I was insane?"
"Yeah, this is him?!
"Yeah, I have to see him, something tells me to, plus I have nothing else to do, I could really go for a cup of chai right now"
I then walked with the plump bearded Jung Singh through shady alleys where no tourists were in the streets or "shops", people gave long hard cold stares, the smell of excrement was so strong I almost fell over, and I didnt know if these would be my last breaths but there is something about this guy, this Jung Singh, I knew I wasnt in any harm.
We get to the chai shop, sit down and he pulls out some cards, muttering some prayers, looks at my hands and begins to unfold my prohecy...He proceeded to tell me a few facts about my life about certain people in my life, how long ill live, what my traits are, what is blocking me from fully expieriencing life, and how I am insane. But before all of this he writes down something on a piece of paper and gives it to me and tells me to "hold on to this".
He then writes down 4 numbers and tells me to point to one, and the one I pointed to was the number written on the piece of paper. He did several things like this, claiming he can read my mind. Convincing..
He wanted to tell me more, about how to stop my insanity and fully expierience the divine, but for a price. I put down all the money in my wallet ($3) and he proceeds to tell me about how attached I am to money.
"Money you use to only eat and then you shit out. Come on, put down big money."
"Im not putting any more money down than this. This is big money."
He proceeded to tell me that he uses this money to feed orphans, trying to pull on my heartstrings but it wasnt working.
After 10 minutes I said
"Im not going to put any more money down, so lets just finish our tea and I must be going."
He told me some crazy things and I made a vow that if I see him when I leave India I will put down big money to hear what he REALLY has to say. His presence stayed with me for the rest of the day. His eyes were so inviting and warm, he is a very goodhearted and wise man, I have no doubt about that in my heart. Hah! What a trip...

Walking through the crazy uneven, dirty street of the main bazaar I kept slipping and messing up my cut on my foot even worse. Fighting off an infection in India with an open wound is quite the hassle. Everything is so dirty and just the open air alone, especially in Delhi is like an airborne anthrax its so polluted. My healing process alone seems to be slowing down in India, I dont know what it is, but cuts/bruises etc. take twice as long to heal for some reason.

On our last night (or what we wanted to be), we tried to get a late night local bus and this was quite the expierience at the bus station. First off we took Delhis metro to the station (which totally didnt feel like India, being in a nice metro station? In India? No way) This bus station was nothing like all the many other bus stations I have encountered in India. This was complete madness. You had to buy a ticket from one of the booths lining the sides of the station and some are so crowded with people I wonder how anything ever gets accomplished...In America, there are lines. In India, there is pushing to get to the front, most people dont believe in lines. Ryan ad I wait til the tickets go on sale for our bus and a Buddhist monk sits down next to me and starts talking to me. His tibetan accent is so thick I keep having to ask him to repeat everything atleast 4 times. At one point, he pulled out a book in English and wanted me to help him with his English. Oh, this was a great expierience, teaching english to a tibetan monk.

When it came ticket time I sharpened my elbows and headed for the crowd, doing whatever I can to squeeze, shove, and push through hundreds of Indians packed in a space that is meant to hold 10 people. I finally get to the front to hear that they are sold out of tickets for the bus we need. We waited and fought for 4 hours until the early hours of the morning, even went clear across town for a sold out bus. You gotta roll with it, I tell myself...However, I will never forget how chaotic of an expierience that was, oh my goodness...We try to go back to our hotel but have to deal with shady rickshaw drivers who wont take us where we want to go..After running completely out of patience and much arguing we get taken back to our hotel and crash out, fast. Oh Delhi...How it sucks the life out of you...

The bus ride to Dharamsala was a typical ride. No sleep, and our seat numbers were completely ignored as we were placed in the bench row once again..The ONLY seats in the bus that do not recline...I didnt sleep at all during those 14 hours. So uncomfortable and squished.
Ryan, whos never ridden a bus yet in India looks at me and says,
"Yeah your right...I will never forget this bus expierience.."
"Yeah? Wait til we get airborne..."

When we arrive in Dharamsala, there is alot going on. Apparently that morning The Dalai Lama made a speech for this day marked a very important day in Tibetan history. This marked 50 years of Tibet's injustice from the tyrannical China. So we goto the temple to get more info about the speech tomarrow and yeah turns out we just missed one of his speeches.This speech wasnt listed on his website and I was quite pissed that I missed him...People crowded the small and narrow streets outside the temple, all in hopes to get a glimpse of the Dalai Lama rolling away in his car. I knew I would see him the next day, but still, any opportunity to see this man, I would take even if it would kill me to get there. If there is one person in the world I respect and admire the most, it is by far the Dalai Lama.

There was a peace protest shortly after. I went and bought the biggest Tibet flag I could find and Ryan and I waited around for the protest to start. Male and female monks in their maroon robes, tibetans of all ages carrying banners with different sayings on them, cars with loudspeakers all await to start. Some banners said
"China STOLE my land, my voice, my freedom"
"There is no freedom of speech in Tibet"
"Stop the killing in Tibet"
And all of a sudden it seemed like it came out of no where for people started roaring and walking. There were a few things that were shouted or on the loudspeaker then followed with a shouted response from the crowd:
Stop the killing - In tibet
Stop the tourturing - In tibet
What do we want - Free Dom
When do we want it? - NOW
Shame on China, Shame on China!
Tibet belongs to? - Tibetans!
Long live - Dalai Lama
Release Release - Penchen Lama
What do we want? We want freedom!
This was the best part. Waving my Tibetan flag, surrounded with monks screaming for peace in their country and for their people. The kinship that was felt with these people was beyond words. They were so grateful for any foreigner that was there, and there was quite alot, especially from America. Out of all the days in Dharamsala this was the hottest. The sun only came out for the protest scorching the marchers and went away behind the clouds when it was over. We marched probably 10 kilometers, atleast. We covered all of Dharamsala starting from McLeod Ganj in the north all the way down the dirt and uneven roads to southern Dharamsala. Indians came out of their shops, stopped their cars, and came from far distances to see the protest. At the end of the protest I was done for. I cannot tell you how many times people stepped on my hurt foot and how many times I slipped stretching the skin ripping my cut even further...Not to mention the amount of dirt that probably got in it as well. We reach the bottom of Dharamsala and there is a speech from an important figure in Tibet I am presuming. I dont know who exactly but by the way he is dressed and admired I could tell he meant business. Once the speech was over, Ryan and I took a taxi back, and I hibernated in the room the rest of the day, for the next day was a day I have been looking forward to and more excited about than any day to date. I was to see the Dalai Lama in the person!

Waking up at 5:30 in the morning to get to the temple @ 6:00 was a small price to pay for being able to see the Dalai Lama speak in his hometown in India. I stretch, yawn and make a screech hearing the sound of the alarm clock. I loungue in bed, warm and comfortable, and wait for Ryan to finish getting ready. When it is time, I roll out of bed, blanket still wrapped around me, I hobble into the chilling dim cold morning air surrounded with views of the snow capped mountains around the hotel and ultimitely the whole city. Ahh Dharamsala has great energy here, I could easily live here its so peaceful. My foot is still so messed up from the giant protest the day before. I tell Ryan to go ahead and that I'll catch up. Ive been using the stick from the flag I bought as a cane. This helps tremendously, I call it my old man cane because thats exactly what I look like using this thing hobbling around and whatnot...The speech was at The Dalai Lama temple (go figure) and we get a seat around 6am. It is so cold I cannot feel my toes and fingers and am constantly shivering. We find a seat around the 3rd row and there we sat for 2 hours, waiting and shivering. I sit next to a dreadlocked backpacker from Brazil, who kept giving me food even when I would deny it, he insisted. Aside from giving me food, all we talked about to each other was The Dalai Lama. He kept saying with the biggest smile he could make,
"He is such a good man...The Dalai Lama, good man.."
Infront of us was the seating for the monks, so I was probably only 100 feet away from The Dalai Lama and had a perfect view of where he would be sitting. Stoked. He had a elevated seat wrapped in a gold cloth, fresh flowers around him, surrounded with Tibetan Thankas (Thankas mean rolled painting and are typically of different gods) and banners everywhere with different buddhist symbols or displaying the 50 years of injustice Tibet has suffered.
Over time people keep pouring into whatever space they could fit and make into a seat. Monks started to flood the place in their maroon robes and everyone sits patiently awaiting his arrival. People start to murmur and point at the stairs as a few maroon figuers creep down the stairs. Deep bellowing tibetan monks start chanting over the loudspeakers and The Dalai Lama begins to make his appearance. At first a few monks are only revealed, then some heavily decorated monks proceed after with huge yellow mowhawk hats and loud flutes follow. After them, the man of the hour is revealed being helped down the stairs by a few more monks. I have waited many years for this exact moment. There isnt anyone I respect and admire more than The Dalai Lama. His uncondtional wisdom and compassion for the world will always continue to grow in my heart and inspire me. He has been the main influence for the positive changes in my life and will continue to be my main source of inspiration. The man I admire most in the world has now reached the bottom of the stairs and I have a clear view of his one of a kind smile greeting people at the bottom of the stairs. When I saw that smile strike his face, the happiest tears Ive ever shed came rolling down my face. The brazilian next to me starts muttering somthing in his language but I could tell what he was saying was exactly what my heart was feeling for we both had tears in our eyes with our hands at our heart. When I saw him, I put my hands over my face in disbelief, rubbed my eyes, and yes I was not dreaming. My hands now are trembling and a joy that I cannot express with words took over my enire being. The trembling turned into my whole body and all I could keep saying was
"I cant believe this...I cant believe this..."
He gets to his chair, gets helped up and he immediately puts his hands together over his head and immediately everyone puts their own folded hands on top of their head, then at their heart, then at their navel, bow down, put their head on the ground three times. 5 monks were kneeling infront of him and they accompanied The Dalai Lama chanting in deep tibetan chants. After the audience was in awe. You could hear a mouse fart until The Dalai Lama spoke. At this point all the foreigners put on their headseats to tune into a live broadcast of the speech that is translated from Tibetan into English. Even though The Dalai Lama has quite an exstensive knowledge of English he gives his speeches in Tibetan while in Dharamsala. The speech was mainly an introduction to Budddhism and how it differs from other beliefs, according to Ryan. His mp3 player could pick up radio stations while I was perfectly content with just listening and watching. I was completely mezmerized that I was in India, 3rd row (in foreigners section) wittnessing The Dalai Lama give his speech.
After a few hours when the speech is over a few monks that squeezed into a few inches infront of me goes to get up, and places her hand right on my hurt foot using that as acrutch to help her up. I scream out in agony which doesnt stop her until she is fully up and doesnt even look back to see what was making those sounds right next to her...
Ryan asks,
"Dude you ok?"
"No Im not..If it wasnt anyone other than a buddhist monk...This foot is never going to heal man..."
The flute players lead the path as The Dalai Lama gets bombarded with cameras and people who just want to shake his hand. He eventualy works his way, 4 feet away from me and he starts talking to one of the little tibetan children infront of me. Ater a few seconds he lets out a hearty laugh and giant smile right before me, that instantly brought me to tears. He overflows with true happiness and just with the sight of his genuine smile, you will be smiling for weeks. He truly is what the Tibetans believe, a reincarnation of the God of Compassion. The further he kpet walking away, the more and more people were brought to tears until the whole crowd was speechless and crying, but not a signle person was sad.

The rest of the days in Dharamsala, I just kept what I did minimal. I spent alot of time talking to the nice shop/restauratnt owners that I met when I was there in November and taking it as easy as possible to maybe give my foot a chance to heal, hobbling around on my old man cane. Aside from reading and eating, we at one point ended up seeing a movie at one of the "theatres" there. Which was just a small room with chairs and a projection screen. Whatever it was 2 bucks and better than the theatres back home, for the reason that other than 3 other people, we had the whole place to ourselves. IT doesnt matter how small and shady it was :)

Im back in Delhi right now but am leaving tonight for Nepal. I will be there probably tomarrow night if all goes as to plan. I am extremely grateful to be able to fit seeing Nepal in this trip, and will be just as excited to tell you all about each second of it. I dont know how my internet situation will be there, so dont be alarmed if I do not post a blog for a few weeks to a month.

To conclude, I will give you all a quote from the Dalai Lama to reflect on.
"There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness. We can live without religion and meditation, but we cannot survive without human affection."

I love you all.
Be happy!!

The South: On Tour with Amma.

My sincerest apologizes for keeping you all waiting on your toes for this new blog.
This past month has been the milestone of my trip, and of my life, so I am extremely happy and grateful to be sharing it with all of you. I hope it turns out to be worth the anticipation.

Driving through the poor run down villages to Hampi in the cool brisk morning I look out my bus window and all I see is boulders, rocks and mountains with rocks and boulders. Hampi has quite the reputation for its unique rock formations and especially the sheer multitude of giant boulders and rocks. The scenary in the south is absolutely unreal to me. I constantly get the impression I am in a different country, its completely different from EVERYWHERE else I have been in India. Palm trees in vast quanities everywhere you look, green rice plantations, green, green, and green...The weather is humid, sticky and very hot. Walking outside is similar to when you open a oven a hot oven door and get smacked in the face with that rush of hot air. Driving throught villages, we pass dilapidated makeshift houses and temples with immsersed in the middle of hundred of palm trees that put malibu penthouse landscaping to shame. Kids constantly wave and shout at the bus as we them by, completely ecstatic to even get a glance in return. It feels like someone ran down the road upon seeing our tourist bus and told everyone to come outside on their stoop because when we drove by we were awaited patiently by kids and their family looking at us with extreme excitement and curiosity, and best of all, big hearty genuine gap tooth grins stretching clear across each ones face.

My neighbor on the bus ride immediately befriended me and we came travel partners for our time in Hampi. His name is Adam and we talked the majority of the ride to Hampi seeing that we had alot of common interests. He is on the budget end on his trip as well so we agreed to share a room, (it cuts the cost down on rooms (the most exspensive part of India down). When we step off the bus I immediately feel my arms frying like fresh chicken thats been dropped in a deep fryer. Its 8 in the morning and I can already feel myself burning after a few minutes unexposed in the sun. I dont have sunblock because until now, I saw it as an unneccesary exspense in my eyes.

The two days we were in Hampi were Adams last two days in India which would help explain how much we saw in those two days. We saw everything Hampi had to offer, and then some, no joke. Many old historical temples and beautiful scenary Hampi has to offer. On our way to our 3rd historical temple, we get pulled in from the street into a wedding reception and get food shoved in our hands. The words "eat" "please" and "sir" were repeated to us more times than I could count. We were given a plate pilled with delicious food and were seated in the kids section. After our plates are finished, they were immediately cleared away and we are shown the door. Feed us then kick us out all with smiles. That whole day we went to 5 different temples all by foot, and probably walked a total of 30 kilometers in the frying heat. To say I got a good nights rest that night would have been an understatement. The next morning, we are off again, but this time we get bicycles for everything that was left to see, walking would have been impossible. After seeing all the temples we went to two mountaintops to cimb up to have breathtaking views of glorious Hampi.

After that we decide it is time to goto a nearby lake for a dip which sounded amazing. The ride there just about killed me. It was mainly uphill on a bumpy dirt road. Once we get to the lake, we are surrounded by signs that warn us of crocodiles and advice not to swim too far out in the lake. We find a place, and within 2 seconds I am in the water. So good. Within a few minutes, I saw that some locals were jumping off a HUGE rock nearby into the water. Oh man, it had to have been 5 stories high. I take a deep breath, run, and Jeronimo!!!! So much fun. That was the best part of the lake for sure. It was time to head back so I could catch my bus to Kerala. I say my goodbyes to Adam and head off to Mangalore to then hitch a train to somewhere in Kerala. I had no idea where or what to do, I was pretty open about it, I didnt have anything planned yet. On the bus to Mangalore, I over heard someone talk about going to an Amma's Ashram in Kerala. For those of you who do not know, Amma is probably the most well known spiritual head alive today. She is known as the "hugging mother" for her darshan (blessings). She has changed the world one embrace at a time to roughly over 36 million people. Ive emailed this ashram with no reponse back a few months ago, so when I heard this I originally had thoughts of,
"Thats gonna be nice...I wish I could go but I dont think I will get in....I havnt registered...oh I want to do this and this maybe later Ill go...but I still didnt know what I was doing....We will see what to do..." When the bus arrived in Mangalore at 4am, I hopped on a rickshaw with two other people going to Kerala. Those two people were Kristen from Germany and Pierre from France. Kristen is 32 years old, tall, towering atleast 4 inches above me, strong build, long black curly/frizzy hair, speaks a good vocabulary of english and is a lesbian. Pierre is 27 about my height, very lean cut, dark tan, has short black curly hair, has major spaces between his teeth, and speaks with a strong french accent that reminds me of the cartoon charecter pepe le pu. Both very warm and kind people that I enjoyed being with.

My train ended up being the same one as Pierre and Kristen I was just gonna get off alot ealier than them and do whatever, I would decide it out on the train. I was heading in the right direction, thats all that mattered. The whole time on the train I kept bouncing back in forth if I would go to the ashram or not, and my intuition that has never failed me in India, told me to go. Just try, you have to atleast try. Ive spent too much of my life always saying "oh...next time" and never trying for the fear of rejection smacking me in the face, its time to change that. I dont care if I wont get in, atleast I could say I tried and I left the rest to God. If it is meant to be, it will all work out, that is one thing this trip has shown me for sure and I dont doubt the path God takes me on for there is always a reason for the steps I am taking. The train ride was one of the many tests to prove that I really wanted to go, I would be put through many tests to prove my sincereity. We had to switch off at some place in the middle of kerala to get on a train that was leaving in only a matter of minutes. Upon bombarding this train, it is empty so we scurry to get a seat. These bench seats are meant to hold 3 people comfortably but within a matter of minutes it was holding six, with people standing in the aisles and anywhere one could stand or sit. Ive never seen so many people crammed in such a small place in such short amount of time. The heat from the sun was scorching and the added body heat surrounding us made this train ride unbearable. Ive been travelling for 25 hours straight not leaving a sitting position only to pee and my legs were starting to feel its toll it was taking. The combination of sitting down for so long straight plus the blistering humid heat my ankles started to swell, swell bad. I could not see my ankle bones anymore, they merged completely into the size of my calf muscles giving my legs the look of large pvc pipes. Putting any weight on them hurt and felt like my skin was going to bust open with any pressure being put on them. To compound the issue you have mosquitos, the smell of bodily fluids, flys and a hunger strong enough to eat a whole cow constantly wavering in and out of your awareness. The only saving grace the train ride had was the breeze from the outside windows coming in. The worst part however is when that saving gravce as put on hold, stopping at each train station sometimes up to 30 minutes. No airflow make the awful stenches 100 times worse and makes everyone that much more cranky. I eventually gave up my seat just so I could go quat in the bathroom or near it. I didnt care about the smell anymore, just being able to have some personal space and give my aching butt and legs a rest. But just when I dont think I can take it any longer, that I might just jump off this train or throw someone from it to make room, I put on some Bob Marley and start singing to myself to calm down. Immediately, I hear Pierre singing along with me. So for the next 45 minutes of the trip we were singing Bob Marley around Indians who had no idea who he was or what mental illness we had. The power of music never fails to help, never.

After what seemed like an eternity we get off the train and then have to immediately get into a rickshaw to the Ashram. I kept telling myself, "Just one more hour of travelling and youll be done, if you get in that is..." We arrive at a large backwater with a indian gandola to cross to the ashram. This complex was ENORMOUS! Just to get there was a pilgrimage alone, especially if you didnt take the indian gondola across the backwater. You had to cross a large bridge, and all of this just takes you to the footsteps of this vast fortress. The ashram is like its own mini uptopia in the state of Kerala. It has many different areas where you can get a tasty or not so tasty snack. They have a juice bar where you can get fresh juice made for you on the spot (you have to ask for no sugar, Indians love sugar), a coffee/espresso/chai bar, a cafe (which at times has Vegan goodies!), a indian cafteria, or where I am always at, the free indian food cafeteria. You could also buy treats from the 3 or 4 general store shops, if you couldnt decide any of those. Apart from food places, it has two kinds of medical centers, western medicine (pills) and eastern aryuvedic (indian natural herbs) medicine, Aryuvedic Consultant, Astrologist, Massuese, Bank, Taxi center you name it, its is here somehow. For the most part, all of the cash flow through the ashram goes towards one of the many Amma chaities like building schools in india or building houses that get wiped out from a disaster, always a positive constructive cause.
As soon as we step off our awesome Indian night cruise, we start walking through the ashram to find the registration counter. I havent showered, slept or ate in over 36 hours, my clothes are soaked with sweat, my skin is caked with dirt, my blood sugar is at a extreme low and my crankiness is at an extreme high. Upon walking up to the ashram I am greeted by westerners talking to each other, some reading or journaling and all I notice is white. Everyone is wearing loads of white..Nothing but white..I dont think I have worn a single article of white clothing in what?...A few years??...I hope I dont have to adjust, but I knew I would have to if I was to stay here...We register and by the loving grace of God, guess what? I got in. The intuition is never wrong.

After registering our two main priorities were to put down our bags in our room and get some food. Pierre and I got assigned to a Dorm room that has been built espeically for the extra flow of people that Amma attracts when she is staying at the ashram. Upon walking into the dorm I immediately run to a top bunk and Pierre goes to the bottom bunk. After we set down our stuff we try to hunt down some food. Normally the food would be long gone and closed by now but once again by the loving grace of God it was still open. Even the cashier commented on how he doesnt understand why it is open so much later than usual, but I knew why, and I was extremely grateful for it. We didnt have enough time to get our bedding (sheets, pillow, etc) So I just slept on the mattress the ashram provdied me with and covered myself with my blanket for extra mosquito protection. Mosquitoes are pretty bad in the south, worst I have encountered in India to date. I kept waking up in the middle of the night thinking I had a little accident in the bed because of how wet everything was around me, but it turns out it was my sweat. The fans in the room didnt reach the top bunk so well and trying to protect myself from the mosquitos with my blanket wasnt the best idea for the sweating/heat factor. I had no other option, I would sweat off the repellent in a matter of minutes, making those attempts absoluteltly futile. If only I knew what was in store for me the next day...I would have taken some extra procatution...Oh if I only knew...Another test to see if I really want to be here....

The next morning I had to sign up for what is called here SEVA (selfless service) which is a requirement to stay here and is essentially chores, just not with the mindset of it being forced upon you, when it really is... You are required to do work here, but they expect it to not be looked at as a job, it is to be looked at as being a selfless service, a few hours out of each day. When I went to sign up, I saw a bored requesting dishwashers, and after requesting that SEVA the lady puts down her pen, pushes her glasses down alittle on her nose, and looks me in the eyes and says,
"The WOMEN...wash the dishes here..."
"Ok, well in that case put me wherever A MAN would be needed.."

I got assigned gardening. There are two gardens at the ashram, one inside the ashram made to just admire its beauty and the other is a Tulasi garden 30 minutes away from the ashram by foot. The road leads me along the ocean on one side, and houses of the fishing village line the other side, crammed next to each other. Its a great view and I dont mind the walk at all in the early hours of the morning its quite pleasant. My SEVA was definately a mans job. They gave me all the back breaking horrible jobs that the women clearly didnt want to do. I was the only guy on their squad. My first day was shovelling cow poop and spreading it on a plot in the roasting sun. I didnt mind, it was great excercise and I considered it a blessing to be given this job.

Within the first few days I befriended only a few people, but they slowly became like precious gems to me. I would rather have 5 sincere, loyal friends than 50000 aquantancies.
The first person I met was a guy in his mid forties from Belgium named Mattheo. He in no way shape or form, struck me as someone who just turned 45. His persona matches his looks. He reminds me of the old Joker from batman that you would see in old comic books. His forehead slopped straight down, and his nose followed the slant giving his side profile a downward slant look. He had brown curly hair that down to his shoulders and was pulled into a ponytail. He walked everywhere without shoes, I saw him with shoes on, maybe twice out of the month I spent around him. He was a complete goof ball and brought out the joker in myself...Back in Belgium his job was working with alot of energy work. He has worked alot with healing shamans in south america so he definately has a passion into the healing capacities of the human body. Everytime he eats, he always takes a few minutes to put his hands over his food, blessing his food. I loved seeing him do this because it was a beautiful sight to see, its like you could see and feel the energy beaming from him. Aside from this side of him he was totally involved in music. As an example He wore tiny bells on his ankles, "to remind me about my passion of music". Let me make a note, that the only people that wear bells on their ankles were women. No man would be caught dead with bells on their ankles. This totally portrays Mattheo in my eyes. The best part is that I could hear him coming clear across the other side of the room and it would never fail for me to stop what I am doing and look for him.

I met another guy in his early 30's named Ryan. He is from Norman Oklahoma and I nearly soiled myself when I heard this because I have family in that town and never, ever in my wildest dreams, did I think I would meet someone from Oklahoma in India. We have very similar stories and after talking for a few hours instantly we became friends. We pretty much did everything together after we met. His personality reminds me exactly of my old friend Justin. He decided to come with me after Kerala to goto Dharamsala to see The Dalai Lama and then to go see Nepal after.

Mattheo introduced me to Victor who was from France. He had a skinny build like me, alittle bit shorter, and had brown curly hair parted to the side. He loved asking me questions about California and the life there and if it is really how he sees it is in the movies. He would let me talk about California for hours if I wanted to.

Then there was Donn from Seattle. He was in his early 50's, had short gray curly hair that was balding in the center of his head, and looked like a mix between Eric Clapton and Richard Gere. I met him the first day I was there, when I was eating breakfast. I was looking for a place to sit down and eat and I saw a seat next to Donn. I sit down and place my book on the table and immediately he looks up after seeing the book I am reading and says,
"OH...Thats supposed to be a GREAT book"
(One of the many things I loved about Donn was his voice would constantly fluctuate its octives when he is expressing any sort of emotion. This gave his personality a kick of his dorkiness which I grew to admire so much.)
"Well, Ive barely scratched the surface. Im only on page 60, so that makes....About 1200 more to go"
He grabs to book and looks it over intentively. After some time reading to himself he says
"OH YEAH...Just the first sentence draws you in YOU KNOW?"
We sat talking about things for about an hour. During this conversation the way he looked at me with such openess and love I found myself being uncomfortable seeing that I almost let my guard down with someone allowing them to touch the inner part of my soul. Its not unnatural for me to do this especially for the first time I talk to someone. As the days went on, the more an more we saw each other and the more and more we kept talking and opening up to one another. We would constantly be eating our meals together, having chai together, and just talking in the dorms. We saw eye to eye on alot of things making it easy for us to spend hours talking. One of the things I also loved talking to Donn about was my dreams. He never condoned a single idea no matter how crazy it might have seemed, he encouraged me with his entire being to follow my heart. I told him that this trip has shown me the way of life for me. That life is a traveller. I love being totally self dependent, not knowing where I will be in a month, or what I will be doing tomarrow, and living purely on where God places me and getting to see the massive quanity of beauty the world has to offer at the same time. I wanted to take a roadtrip around the states, living in my car, just having oddball jobs in some random town until I save up enough money to where I go somewhere else and then write a book about it. Upon hearing any idea that he knew I was passionate about never a word of skepticism came from his lips. He couldnt stress the fact enough for me to do it, if thats what my dream is, do it Cody, and he would give me as much guidance as I was willing to take. Just like my parents, he never put down my dreams. Never. So many times we walk through life where people say I wish I could have done this or wish I could have done that and for whatever reason they dont ever do it, something holds them back. I dont ever want to be held back from my dreams.

Last but not least was Karl from Australia. His real name was Karl but his spiritual name was Avinash. I called him Avi for short. He was in his early thrities as well, had a stocky build like a football player, short blonde hair and always had a half cracked smile on his face. Whenever he had a free minute to spare he would always say,
"Oh this is a great opportunity to do some japa!" (chanting of goda name)
Avi is the groups shagah conessuier. A shagah is a mix of frozen milk, chocolate powder, bananas, cookies, cherries, all blended together with enough sugar added ontop to ensure you will have diabetes. He had tasted them all around Kerala and will fight someone to the death who bad mouths our personal shagah maker.

On my first few days there, I overheard from my crew of friends at lunch about Amma going on tour throughout Kerala and the state above it Karnataka. They were all going and advised me that I could sign up if I wanted to. When Amma comes to Los Angeles each summer, I see people working and serving the tour and I always thought to myself,
"Those people are so fortunate to be serving a event like this, I wish I could some day.."
That day is close at hand for I decided to sign up. I will be on tour with Amma. After signing up and buying all my extra needed gear, I decided to update my journal and it was upon sitting there, I started sweating bad, my arms started itching...Bad....To the point where I couldnt stop...I figured I got bit by some mosquitoes and tried to let it go, but if I only knew what was instore for me...I would have done something...ANYTHING....

That night in the ashram after recieving darshan from Amma at 1 in the morning I decide it is time for bed. Laying there in bed I realized my itching and sweating was progresively getting worse. Just when I thought it couldnt get any more unbearable it does. I turn on the light to see what was going on with my body, and mainly my arms were covered, literally painted red and swollen in huge clusters of lumps. I have never, ever, experienced such an intense craving to rip my skin off with my own hands and teeth, until this very moment. Hundreds of red bumps on each arm (no joke), mainly on the back of my upper arm below my armpit and on my tricep. These red swollen clusters of death made my arm look and feel like cottage cheese. I laid in my bed and waited til the sun came up, itching, and sweating and itching and sweating...By morning these lovely lumps spread pretty much throughout my whole body (By the loving grace of God my face and genitals were excluded). Some spots worse than others and the sensation to itch and tear my skin off grew like a wildfire with each second. I immediately walk to my SEVA and tell them I am not working like this. Upon seeing this, my supervisor, along with everyone else who sees it, gives me their own prognosis. She thought it to be an infection of some sort. Others say bed bugs, others say mosquitoes, some say a allergic reaction to the food or laundry detergent. Each person that saw it gave me a different assumtpion. The ashram is essentially closed one day a week, and that day just so happened to be today, so I couldnt see a doctor or buy any medicine. I had one hour of hope. The aryuvedic doctor was open for one hour that evening. I decided to see her, it was my only option. In the meantime I was reading my first aid booklet I brought with me and it was talking about Prickly heat where its is small clusters of red bumps that are caused by sweating and they itch. This sounded the most of what it could be but I still went to the doctor to see what she says.
"Ahh looks like you got attacked by something! Look at all those bites!"
"So you think they are bites?
"Yeah its what it looks like"
"Do you think it could maybe be prickly heat or a heat rash from sweating?"
she looks over my arm for a few minutes
"No they look like bites. Have you gone toilet today? (holding up the number 2 in her hand)
"No..."
"Ok, tomarrow you will do a cleanse."
She starts pulling out a pad a paper and writing my prescriptions.
The page gets full and she says,
"Take this first one very early in the morning on an empty stomach and drink warm water every half hour for 4 hours. This will make you go toilet ALOT. Good for cleanse, good for body and overall health. You are to not eat any solid food tomarrow, just water, for dinner you could have some rice porridge if you like."
"I dont understand how a cleanse is gonna help bites..."
She assures me that it will and send me out.

After this i went into the main hall for bahjans. Bhajans are songs expressing love for the divine, and at the ashram they were always performed live. When Amma is at the Ashram she sings with the group and it is quite powerful. Sitting on the floor I was so uncomfortable, pissed off, angry, and sweaty but nonetheless, In times of despair it is a good opportunity to cultivate love and acceptance of the situation life puts you in but my attempts were completely futile at this point. This was another test to see if I really wanted to be here. After Bhajans, I hurried and got food and went straight to bed where I dont have to avoid talking to people out of the fear of lashing out at them due to my extreme unpleasantness. Same as the night before, I toss, turn, itch and sweat. I do everything but rest. Anxiety takes over my body for I dont know if mosquitoes are biting me, if bed bugs are crawling on me, if I have an infection, or even worse, the unknown of what it REALLY is. To top it all off, I am so unbearably hot that I go outside and tell myself,
"Im just gonna sleep on my balcony floor, I dont care."
But I couldnt sleep out there, I was restless, angry, full of anxiety and extremely sleep deprived. Its 2 in the morning and I decided to goto the beach to slow down, just like the late night beach back home. In the midst of extreme suffering comforting thoughts of the simple pleasures back home take my mind off the present pain.
Sitting at the beach I bury my feet in the sand to cover them from mosquitoes, and put my arms and head in my shirt giving me the best protection from mosqitoes I could get. I wish I had someone to talk to, to vent to, that would listen and tell me everything would be alright but I had no one. I needed to get it out so I just start talking outloud to myself. Immediately I start crying repeating to myself,

"I want to go home...I want to go home..." as I rock back inforth crying inside my shirt
"I want to go home...where I am comfortable...No more rice and chapati...Oh god, no more chapati....I want to go home...I want to go home so I wont be alone anymore...I miss my family and friends...I want to go home...I want to go home....I miss being comfortable...I miss being comfortable...I want to go home..."

This went on for quite some time, but I waited motionless until it was ALL out. All of it. Not a drop left. When I knew it was time, I wiped my tears and snot from my face and headed back to the room, put on some music and waited for the sun to rise once again. I am trying so hard to take advantage of these precious moments to cultivate love, compassion and acceptance in times like these, but the feelings of despair are so overwhelming that I cannot help to be consumed by its power. Yet I still hold on, I want this. The rewards that came from sticking around were more than I could have ever asked for in my whole lifetime.

In the morning I start contemplating to myself,
"Should I take this medicine or not....Im already as uncomfortable as I could ever imagine, do I want to possibly add to it by having to run to the toilet every 10 mintues?...Yes...If it is a chance i can feel better I would take a blowtorch to my skin."
The medicine was a powder and didnt taste bad. Tasted kinda good actually. I drank my water every half hour and after 4 hours nothing happened. What a joke. I fasted and crap, took this crappy medicine, and im not even crapping! Shortly after, it hit me like a ton of bricks. During one of my safe moments, I managed to get down to one of the general stores to buy different things to possibly help my situation. I bought a mosquito net to put over my bed, and bought powder for prickly heat. I bought and thought of everything possible to help this situation, it put me way out of budget but I dont care, as long as if it might help me, I would do pretty much anything at this point I was so desperate. I got back to the room, set up my net and moved beds, changed sheets, and put on some powder. Once the powder made contact with my skin it was a relief like you could not believe. I was convinced at that very moment they were not bites, I had a severe, heavily severe case of prickly heat rash and this powder provided me with the relief that I cannot even begin to describe. My eyes start to tear after realizing it will soon be over. I thought to myself,
"It will soon be over, you found the cure and you found the correct diagnosis. You will soon be comfortable again Cody."
I kept the cleanse up even though it wouldnt help the rash at all, its nice to give the digestive system a break every once and awhile. Amma actually even suggests people to fast for one day a week for that very reason. For sunset I went back to the same spot I sat in last night balling my eyes out with the feeling of getting through the biggest test of faith in my life. I cannot begin to describe how uncomfortable, painful, and unbearable my situation was those few days but getting through it and knowing it will all be over soon, a smile worth a thousand words came to my face. When it was time for bed, I went to my bunk, turned on the fan to blast the air, opened the window next to my bed, slept in as little clothing as possible, situated my mosquito net, put on my favorite playlist on my Ipod, let out a the biggest sigh of relief from my body and sunk into the deepest, unpenetrable sleep Ive had in my glorious 22 years of living.

The next day we left for the tour. It was a 9 day tour stopping in three places. Mangalore, Calicut, and Tannur.

The daily program for each day on tour was quite similar. We typically stayed in most places for 2 nights and were on the bus for about 16 hours in between each place. The day began around 8am for breakfast. Our sleeping arrangement were the same for two of the places, on the floor of one of Ammas schools she built. The other time, we were set at a Yacht club were I slept outside on the balcony where I was blessed to see the sunrise and sunset come up and down over the backwaters from my "bed". The day is filled with different things going on, sometimes by themselves or with 10 other things going on. Bhajans with Amma, Darshan, Pujas (ritualistic worship), and any time you are not eating or at one of the previous things mentioned, you are working, somewhere doing something. My required SEVA was pot washing from 1030 pm to 1230 pm. My other time I filled with anywhere else help was needed.

The setup for the potwashing was ridiculous. We had a crew of about 15 people, and at each place, the setup was meant for people in groups no bigger than 5. The "floor" was palm tree branches covering a deep hole in the ground for the water to filter down to. Our cleaning utensils, were either a coiled up rope or shreds of the outer layer of a coconut. Washing these pots were the dirtiest job in the whole tour for sure. I bought an apron before we left to use specifically for this job. The best part of pot washing (besdies the crew) was the walk through the kitchen the smell of spices coming from men cooking curries in pots big enough to swim in or from women chopping fresh veggies. Indians love their spices, ESPEICALLY in the south.

After my first potwashing session I had an additional SEVA that i signed up for working on the stage wiping peoples faces from 1 to 3 in the morning. So after the most grimiest, digusting pot washing session, I hurry up to the shower to make myself somewhat presentable, and head down to the stage. So my job. Wipe peoples faces. Get as much sweat and dirt off these peoples filthy faces as possible. Amma is hugging thousands of people tonight so you can imagine how dirty her white sari could get if it wasnt for face wipers. This for me, was the highlight of the tour an of coming to Kerala for many reasons. It was worth it completely getting the opportunity to serve so many people and being a represenative of Amma. The biggest smile was never not on my face. I welcomed each man, woman, and child with my hands at my center and the biggest and warmest smile Ive ever felt on my face. For the most part people were extremely friendly and thankful for the service I was providing, which made my smile and the urge to serve expand just like the love that was growing in my heart. Some people would grab my hands when I had my palms together at my chest and put them on their face revealing their hearty gap tooth smiles. The women didnt feel comfortable having a male touch them in ANY way, so I evetually didnt bother even asking them, but I never forgot to greet them with a smile with my palms turned inward. I connected with these people on a level I never knew existed. Pure love and being completely selfless. At times I caught tears welling up in the corners of my eyes because I realized this reminded me of the inspiring loving and selfless example my mother has set for me. The few times Ive been given the pleasure of volunterring with my mom serving homeless people food on Thanksgiving for her church, I saw the same emotions in her eyes and in her heart as I was feeling in mine. We were both serving the same cause, Love and selflessness and God and this made me feel on top of the clouds. So to sum it up, for those two hours, wiping the dirt and sweat from strangers faces, I was in a such a profound state of bliss and love, to say Ive expierienced something in the past that came close to what I was feeling then would be a lie. I never knew such strong emotions existed or that it would ever be possible to have my heart expanded so wide.

All the days were late nights like that. I was constantly signing up for SEVA to where I could work with people or atleast be on stage close to what is going on. Thank God, I was able to drink loads and loads of chai to make up for the major sleep defeciet that was racking up. But all the moments at the event werent so happy daisy and full of love and calmness. At one point I am walking through the the huge crowd up people where I right beside me alittle girl locks up and falls straight on her head. Her eyes were in a fixed gaze towards the sky and immediately I thought to myself "shes having a siezure". I run over to the family and tell them we need to take her to the medical center of the event (pointing in the distance), but due to my tone and impatience for the sake of her health, they interpretted it as being attacking and kept telling me no. So I rushed to the medical center and found the two people there talking about last nights cricket match totally uninterested in anything outside their awareness of themselves. I interrupted them atleast 3 times pleading with them that a girl just had a siezure and that she needs medical attention, now. After 10 minutes many interruptions, and dirty looks, they conclude the cricket scores and statistics. One of the "helpers" gets the wheel chair and walks as walking at a pace as if hes admiring art in a museum. I rush and find the family and I prayed that she got the medical attention she deserved, and not what she was probably given.

After the tour its time for some good-byes. The most difficult part of travelling alone is just when you think your lonliness will never subside, great people are placed into your life and leave just at the moment you began to cultivate a connection with each other. Im tired of saying Goodbye to so many great people whos presence in my life was truly God-Sent. When the tour was over Donn wasnt returning back to the ashram, he was going home.

Im washing my tiffin box ( a metal box that holds your food, basically an indian lunchbox) and I hear a voice behind me say,
"Be well Cody..."
I put down my dishes and turn around and I see Donn looking down at the floor.
"You leavin now?"
"Yeah..Im gonna head into town and see when I can catch a bus out of here...YOU KNOW?"
I did know and didnt want to know. We excahgned contact info and made small talk to keep the words "Goodbye" away and the pain of saying it to someone who you would like to see again but deep down you know you never will at bay.
"Shoot...Well Im gonna go get some water for the journey..."
My eyes were looking down at my feet and once I knew the postponement was over, I swallowed the knot in my throat, looked up and said...
"Keep in touch Donn...Please...Please keep in touch..."
"I will Cody."
A long silence proceeded as we held ourthe look into each others eyes. I tried so hard to fight the tears that I knew would come streaming down if they were given the chance. I saw Donn was fighting the same battle. His eyes were tearing up and the white part of his eyes were not a light pink. At this moment something beautiful happened. Something that goes beyond the comprehension of words. In silence, looking into Donns eyes and letting him look into mine, for the first time I know what the term means to have you soul touched. I never knew what that term meant until that instant. I let that guard down that was up the first time we met. This trip I have been working on alot of things to better myself and one of them is to be more open and loving with people and with myself. For the first time I let my guard down COMPLETELY and something beautiful manifiested from that. Sure, Ive been open with people and vice versa but a guard has always been up blocking me to be fully open and receptive of someone elses love or even my own. Even with life, not my relationships with people, Ive had a guard up to block me from the beauty in life. This trip Ive been working on breaking that guard and this was the first sign that my heart is begining to be fully open.
Breaking the moment, he points to my book on the table next to me, clears his throat, smiles, and says,
"You know...Thats supposed to be a WONDERFUL book..."
"Yeah it is....YOU KNOW"
"I dont...BUT Im gonna buy it when I get back home and then I'll let you know. Take care Cody."
"Take care Donn."
We shook hands and as he is walking away, I fold my hands infront of my chest with eyes full of tears but with a smile on my face, he does the same. Donn taught me one of the most valubale lessons for me in my life. That there is nothing to be scared of or needed with guards in ones life. When you let those down fully and connect with people or life something that is beyond words, beyond human comprehension, is felt. When you open your heart genuienly and completely, love is felt and love is truly the greatest emotion to give and recieve. I am begining to open my heart.

Coming back to the ashram after the tour I resumed my original SEVA of gardening and picked up where I left off. I got a different room, which is essentially an apartment room that holds 3 people and you have your own bathroom. On my first day back, my supervisor tells me that I am back to shovelling cow poop.
"Ill show you where to get it, we pay a local villager by the wheelbarrow of poop so keep count"
She leads me to a huge fresh steamy pile of cow poop, gives me a shovel and wishes me good luck. Why do I keep getting assigned shovelling cow poop?...Cant I have something else?...The heat from the sun made this quite a smelly job. I did 10 wheelbarrows full of poop and went back to the ashram for lunch, exhausted and rundown. I couldnt take anymore. My clothes couldnt get any more soaked with sweat, and my arms were about to give out, I need some rest. On my way back to the ashram there are these animals in the palm trees that make a whistle sound that remind me of the whistle that my Dad and I do. Everytime I hear it, I return the whistle, and me and the mysterious animal go back and forth between sounds. I feel like the spirit of my Dad is in those sounds and I love it, it never fails to make me smile. The remaining time I spent at the ashram I spent shovelling cow poop and helping shape and structure the plots. Every once in awhile I was gifted to recieve watering duty. This was quite the blessing.

I picked up a new ritual of being back at the ashram. Avi, Ryan and I go and get late-night Shagahs after dinner. We know the man who makes them for us, and he sets us up chairs and has the blender ready to go for when he sees us walk down the dimly lit street. He knows what we want and how we like em and he makes the best shagahs in the whole state of Kerala, for these are only available in Kerala. Ryan and Avi were both ex- addicts/alcoholics so here we are, having shagahs instead of beers at our little makeshift bar in Kerala. It finally felt great to have that kinship with someone. We all came from the same horrible past and are striving for something positive and full of love.

On my second to last day at the ashram I had a few unfortaunte events happen. At my morning seva I was moving concrete slabs in a wheelbarrow where going through a patch of sand made the wheelbarrow wheeblewabbly and fell over, on my foot. I series of 4 letter words you only hear in R rated movies flowed out from my mouth easly and without restraint like the blood streaming from my foot. I hobble over to a place I can sit down, and one of the girls on the squad starts fixing me up. All I hear from the people surrounding me is,
"Is that a tendon?...Is that the tendon?...Deep cut...Tendon..Tendon...."
It turns out it wasnt the tendon, it was just a flap of skin.
I get back to ashram and goto the hostpial and get properly bandaged. Everything is ok, it will just take some time to heal properly.

The worst part of that day was when I had to say goodbye again, to another great person I met. Mattheo was leaving. I had Victor help me with translating a letter from English to French for me to give to Mattheo. Us three are eating lunch together where the conversations are brief and small, where the energy is low and the smiles dont last long for we all know this is our last meal together, and our last time together.
I tell Mattheo,
"I got a present for you."
"Oh yeah? whats that?"
I hand him a letter that on the front it says, "To open on your train ride" in French. My eyes begin to water and once I realize whats coming I put my head down.
"Victor helped me with it. This couldnt have been possible without Victors help, I owe him big time for this. I just want you to know...This couldnt have been possible without Victor..."
What started as tearing up, now turned into uncontrollable sobbing. I lost it. In the middle of the cafteria surrounded by people staring at me wondering what brought me to the current situation I am at.
"I....Dont like goodbyes...I dont....Handle them so well..."
Mattheo puts his hand on my shoulder and leaves it there for a good 5 minutes with his eyes closed. I feel better, but for when he took his hand away, it came back again.
"Its just so hard...When you meet people, connect with them, and leave them..."
Mattheo responds with,
"I know...I feel this connection (pointing to this heart), this connection with you guys is dying and a part of me is dead now without being with you guys..."
Mattheo has done alot of work with Shamans, and at this point he asked me to join hands with him and for me to close my eyes.
"What is this for Mattheo?...."
"I think we have had a connection...in a past life together..."
"How?...With what?"
"I dunno, thats what I want to find out..."
"so what do I do..."
"Just feel..."
I sat with Mattheo for a few minutes, him waving in an out of crying and blurting out little bits and pieces as if this vision was passing by him in a vision. I dont know if any of this is true, but to see his undying faith and passion in his ability to see this was truly beautiful.
"I think you were my little brother...In a past life....I see you...Praying in a field....With me, on a mat....We were very close brothers and very young....Maybe 4 years old...."
His crying became so violent he let go of my hands and said,
"I cant do it anymore, its just too painful (pointing at his heart)...Can I have a hug now because I wont be able to when I am leaving..."
"Yeah..."
Just like when I was saying Goodbye to Donn, I let no guard be up, letting myself recieve affection and give affection. There are certain ideals that the common man feels he must live up to due to societies portrayl of whats expected of a man. Men are not supposed to express their feelings, let alone cry. We are brought up that it is the weak who cry. The strong hold back their tears. Dropping that false concept has sbeen one of the contributors to my happiness and the opening of my heart. To cry and express your feelings to another person is a wonderful and beautiful expierience between two people. Men are not supposed to even show affection towards each other, homophobia kicks in and shuts off your ability to give or recieve love. Just like with Donn, when I was saying Good-bye to Mattheo and we gave each other our last hug with no guards up restricting our love to exchange, letting myself recieve and give love and affection to another person is such a beautiful expierience. We cried on each others shoulders and for the briefest of moments I felt what its like to be completely open and filled with pure love, to express that love, to give that love, to recieve that love, and to just be...love.

This past month has been the milestone in my life for I am starting to realize how much I am growing as a person, which was the ultimate goal of this trip and my life. I am gaining new insight into the ups and downs of life. Ive been noticing for starters the difference in the intensity of my happiness and how I relate to sadness when it comes. When I am happy I shine with my whole being. When Im sad, Im sad but Im not depressed. There is nothing wrong with sadness, its our rejection of sadness that creates the conflict. When sadness comes I enjoy it. When happiness comes I enjoy it. When saying goodbye to Donn and Mattheo yeah I was sad but at the same time I was really happy that something could make me feel that sad. Its emotions that set us apart from being mechanical robots and as a result you know what its like ti be fully alive. To add, the only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something so extraordinary before and as a result what you get is a beautiful sadness. I realized that in my past, a huge part of me was closed from life and with people, I was always at a distance, from life and people, never fully able to expierience the true pleasures in life. The situations where I was forced to say goodbye to the people I shared great things with show me that I am increasin my capacity to love other people and most importantly to recieve love. If there is one thing, one thing that is missing in this world, is love. The world is lacking love. The beatles hit it right on the head, "All you need is love". Love is truly the greatest gift life has to offer for I feel I am just starting to get a glimpse of the overwelming bliss, love comes with. Ive spent a great majority of my life, angry and depressed, not only with the world, but with myself. All that did was dig deeper the whole of misanthropy that I was so blindy in. If life had a meaning, I truly believe its for each individual to find out their means of attaining the greatest emotion felt by man, love. Love for ones-self, love for others, and love for the divine. Love. Its the greatest thing in life.

So to conclude, this past month with its crazy roller coaster of emotions, of its highs and lows, and its extreme tests of faith, it all has shown me how I am growing in sensitivity of love in life. By sensitive I mean that I pick up on seeing love in everything and where I dont see it I want to fill it with love. Within or outside myself. Amma set this example for me and I feel is partky responsibile and a great contributor to my expierience for she embodies pure love and practices it everyday and everything she does. She truly fills her heart with love and expresses it in everything she does. All I see and want to be is love, for once you have started to expierience what it truly feels like to have your heart touched and filled with love or to give others true love, it will become your main purpose in life. And that, is the greatest gift God could have ever given me and I wish to share it with everyone and everything I meet. This is why, this past month has been a milestone in my trip and of my life for I feel my heart opening so wide that it is truly showing me what it is truly like to live rather than to merely exist.

May you all be a light of love unto the world. May the sun always be upon your face and the wind at your back. I love you all.

Be happy!!